Parody of The Bad Beginning
by Spartan Spanker Squad
Summary: A parody of The Bad Beginning.
1. Chapter 1

To Beatrice,

I proposed to you, but you said you would rather marry the Baudelaire childrens' father. Oops...

Introduction

Hi kids! I'm Lemony Snicket the barking lunatic, but my actual name is Daniel Handler! I'm here to say: "Don't read this book! This is an absolutely terrible book and I know since I wrote it! You should throw it into a pond! You should crush it in the mud! You should scream at it with your shirt off! You should dunk it in sassafras! You should give it a cheese wedgy! You should toss it into a pyramid! You should drop it down a volcano! You should sit on it to warm it! These are my tactics to encourage you to read this book and it seems to be working if you are reading this page!"

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire were standing at the shore of a foggy lake. Violet, a 14 year old girl, was an extremely talented inventor, but she couldn't actually make her inventions, just think of them. Why, just recently she had thought of a vague idea for a device that could, "Uhhh... umm pour ice cubes on the sun and melt it haha." Klaus, a 12 year old boy, liked to dress up like a cowboy and he couldn't read for his life. He hated indians("Cowboys are better"). Sunny, just 1 year old, enjoyed upchucking on different things. She'd upchuck on just about anything, and most of the time she didn't even mean to!

Well anyway, a coughing man, Mr. Poe, who they recognized as one of their parents' friends who worked for a bank and managed all of their parents' complicated money ordeals dashed out of the fog screaming, "I'm afraid that your parents have perished in a fire that Count Olaf made because he's on the opposite side of your parents in the conflict and split of an organization called "V.F.D." which actually just means "Volunteer Fire Department" and Count Olaf unrealistically got away because all of us adults in this book are stupid as hell!"

The man paused and took a breath and looked at the children, waiting for a response. Violet giggled and said, "I want to get a new ribbon with our parent's money! And some pink dollies!" Klaus chuckled and shrieked "Horseshit." And Sunny, who had her own little baby language, said, "Fotta frootoo," which probably meant "The verbal abuse of torpedos indicates sedimentary relations in the cocaine industry, and I also think about golden apples at the bottom of the ocean floorboards every other leap year."

Then the man said to Violet, "You can get a new ribbon when you're old enough to use your parents' money, you stupid slut." And the coughing man said to Klaus, "No, this is not horseshit. It is one truth phrase." And the coughing man said to Sunny, "Shut the hell up you little bitch whore." And Sunny said, "Yut lat," Which probably meant, "A thousand hearts are not as great as one salted banana pepper dipped in 13 pond scums." The man coughed again to sound cool and said, "I have arranged for you to stay with me temporarily and then with one of your relatives later." And so the Orphans climbed into the man's dreary black sedan, thus beginning A Series of Unfortunate Events, a phrase which here means, "And so the Orphans climbed into the man's dreary black sedan, thus beginning A Series of Unfortunate Events." These are the chronicles of King Salavak and long may he live!

Review this please :) I would like to see what you think of it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Uh, kids, I changed my mind. You're going to your relative's house right away because I think you would be a pain in the ass at my house," Said Mr. Poe as he started the car. Violet burst into tears. "Shut up, you little emo!" Mr. Poe screamed. "Anyway, your relative's name is Count Olaf." Mr. Poe coughed again to sound cool. "I've never even heard that name before," said a confused, simple minded Violet. "Well you have now, you stupid slut bitch!" Mr. Poe shrieked. Mr. Poe was practicing his swearing skills all the time these days.

"I wonder if Count Olaf is as rude as you are, Mr. Poe." Violet grunted. Mr. Poe had had enough of this little whore! He fed her a vicious, powerful backhand to the cheek and her head flew in the opposite direction. Mr. Poe chuckled to himself. "Vav xoota!" Shrieked Sunny. She probably meant something along the lines of "So lyra and her daemon turned away from the world they were born in, and looked toward the sun, and walked into the sky." Nothing much happened for the rest of the trip, and soon they arrived at a cheerful looking house that they would live in from now on, or so the children thought.

They knocked on the door and a woman arrived at the door. Violet, being not so bright, asked, "Are you count Olaf?" The woman opened her mouth to say something but then she thought first. "Uh, yeah, I'm count Olaf! I've got some candy for you if you come inside! Also could you help me find my dog?" Violet was about to agree, but Mr. Poe would have none of this nonsense. "Children! Get the hell away from there, you slut whores! Count Olaf's house is over _there_!" He pointed to a different house that was dark and gloomy with a tall tower coming from it. "I'm leaving now! Good luck on ever amounting to anything or prospering in life at all!!" Screamed Mr. Poe.

"Tabono." Sunny said purposefully. She probably meant something like, "And from then on, the evil ranatatons never came to the land of zarzazumich ever again. Long live king balababar." And so the Baudelaire children walked towards the door of the dark, gloomy house, expecting more Series of Unfortunate Events. A phrase which here means, "And so the Baudelaire children walked towards the door of the dark, gloomy house, expecting more Series of Unfortunate Events."

Review this please. I would like to see what you think of it.


	3. Dinner is Served!

The 3 orphans trudged up to Count Olaf's doorstep and knocked. A strange peek-hole shaped like an eye opened and then closed as the door opened, revealing a tall man wearing a pinstriped suit and sporting some grey hair around his bald spot. Violet noticed the tattoo of an eye on his left ankle. "Ah, you must be the baude-slut-whore-bitches!! I mean, the Baudelaires! What are you waiting for? Come inside!" Count Olaf yelled.

"Nuji," Sunny screamed. She probably meant something along the lines of, "Have a hat, Mr. Medusa." "Shutup you little skank bitch! You stupid friggin monkey slut!" Screamed Count Olaf. "Anyway! I've got some whores coming over for dinner, so you three take this list of chores and have them done before they arrive. Count Olaf handed them a strip of used toilet paper, and with that he dashed up the staircase which was apparently leading to the strange tower. He paused. "Oh, and don't even think about coming up here, you bitches! If you do, I'll chop your toes off with a special black dagger! And then I'll shoot you in the hip with my 9mm!" Shrieked Count Olaf. And he dashed up the staircase and slammed the door.

"Well, Klaus, I guess we'd better start on these chores." Violet mumbled. Violet and Klaus squinted down at the list which read:

Make me a new roof.

Make hardwood and tile ground in the living room and bathrooms.

Make food for supper or die.

Floss my teeths.

Brush my teeths.

Clean my ass crack.

Tell me jokes.

Wash my arms.

Stroke my left ear.

Klaus burst out laughing and Violet said, "Uh, You do the roof/hardwood/tile part, and Sunny can do the rest." Klaus pressed his pistol against Violet's skull threateningly. "Okay, okay! Sunny and I will do the rest!"

Klaus grinned. "I thought so." He tried to make the line as ominous and dramatic as he could, but it somehow flopped. He walked off to complete his part of the work while Violet set off for the Kitchen, looking for something to use as dinner. She searched the cupboard (which had a full stock of supplies necessary to make a proper dinner) and grabbed the first thing that she saw, which was a box of fruit loops. She poured 4 bowls of fruit loops, put spoons in them and added milk, even though dinner was in 5 hours. Klaus realized that he didn't know how to install hardwood flooring or build roofs and decided to practice twirling his pistol on the couch. 5 hours later the doorbell rang. Count Olaf raced up to the door and threw it open, greeting three barely dressed women. "Hey! Come in, my orphans probably made dinner!" Count Olaf shrieked. "Orphans?" One of the women said. "Yeah, I only just got some free orphans today! Isn't it sweet?" They headed into the dining room. Apparently Violet had set four paper cups with orange juice in them on the table. Then she took the 5 hour old cereal bowls and set them on the table. "Dinner is served!" She said hopefully, satisfied with the ultimate dinner that she had made. All three of the women laughed hard and pointed at Violet to overwhelm her. "Didn't you read the list, you little slut whore ass bitch skank?! I said dinner! This is soggy fruit loops! And orange juice!"

Count Olaf punched Violet in the stomach and she went flying into the wall at 103 miles per hour. Then Count Olaf, his mood ruined, threw the three women out of the house and stormed up to his spooooooooooooooooky tower. And slammed the door again.

Klaus, who had just heard all the noise, dashed in. "What's happened, Violet?" Violet, who had started to cry, said, "Count Olaf struck me!" A look of cowboy anger came over Klaus's face. "Why, that lily livered, yellow bellied, scum-sucking--" "Klaus, shutup! I'm tired of your cowboy act!" Violet said and sighed and burst out laughing because she had just thought of a funny joke. A phrase which here means, 'Violet said and sighed and burst out laughing because she had just thought of a funny joke.' Long live king Salavak! May the wind be at his back! May he thrash his enemies! May his future be made of shiny stuff!


	4. Chapter 4

Violet and Klaus decided that it was time to go to bed, so they walked up the stairs and chose the first room they saw. The room was of a decent size, and there was one huge bed.

"Tajakama." Sunny shrieked. She probably meant something along the lines of, "Don't toad with the Molo code." Klaus frowned and said, "This is nothing like my cowboy room! I miss our parents, and our father, whose name was Gerald!" Violet frowned and screamed, "This is nothing like my pink dollie room!! I miss being spoiled – I mean, I miss our parents!"

They all fell silent as they heard Count Olaf scream from in his tower, "Shut the fuck up down there you stupid skanks! I'll come down there with my shotgun if I have to! Jesus H. friggin Goddamn Christ!" Klaus and Violet climbed into the bed, laying Sunny at their filthy feet, and there wasn't much conversation for the rest of the night.

The next morning, they all got out of bed and ate breakfast with Count Olaf. Violet decided that it was time to break the silence. "Count Olaf, why are there so many eyes in your house, and what do eyes have to do with anything?" Violet said. "Don't question genius ideas for spooky and mysterious symbols, you little breast." Count Olaf wheezed.

"My troupe of actors are coming over for lunch today to rehearse a play. Did I mention I was an actor?! Well, I'm going to make the food this time," He tossed a glare at Violet, "and I want you three to stay out of the way. Also tomorrow I'm going to steal your fortune by secretly marrying Violet in a play and claiming all of the money. Christ I'm smart."

Author's note: Oh by the way, don't ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, EVER, write stupid things in books that aren't even funny. Oh yeah, and also, The Water Cycle recycles the earth's valuable water supply. In other words, the water keeps getting reused over and over. Just think, the next glass of water you drink could have been part of a dinosaur's bath in the Mesozoic Era one hundred million years ago. Water in that glass of water could have been a liquid, a solid, and a gas countless times over thanks to the water cycle.

The sun is the energy that powers this remarkable process. It's energy in the form of light, and heat causes water to EVAPORATE from oceans, rivers, lakes and even puddles. "Evaporate" means it turns the water from a liquid to a gas, or "vapor." Warm air currents rising from the earth's surface lift this water vapor up into the atmosphere.

When the air currents reach the cooler layers of the atmosphere, the water vapor condenses around and clings on to fine particles in the air. This step is called CONDENSATION. When enough vapor attaches itself to tiny pieces of dust, pollen or pollutants, it forms a cloud. Clouds do not last forever. Old clouds constantly re-evaporate and new ones form, creating ever-changing patterns in the sky.

As the air gets more and more moist, the droplets that form the clouds grow larger and larger. Eventually they will get so big that the swirling atmospheric winds can no longer hold them up. The droplets then fall from the sky as PRECIPITATION. Precipitation can be in the form of rain, snow, sleet or hail depending on other atmospheric conditions such as temperature.

Once the precipitation reaches the ground, several things can happen to it. First, it might be re-evaporated. For instance, we've all seen the mist rising off hot roads after a summer shower. If it isn't re-evaporated, much of the water will become RUN -OFF that goes into streams and rivers as it flows back to the ocean.

Some of the precipitation will be absorbed into the ground. This is called INFILTRATION. Once in the ground, the water can join the earth's GROUND WATER supply. This is one of the world's largest storehouses of water. The water could also be absorbed from the ground by the roots of plants.

Another form of evaporation that contributes to the water cycle is TRANSPIRATION. Here, water given off through the pores of plants and animals joins the atmosphere as a vapor. Check, for instance, your own breath on a cold day. What you are seeing is water vapor being given off by your body.

With transpiration and evaporation, the cycle begins again: EVAPORATION, CONDENSATION, PRECIPITATION, RUN-OFF, INFILTRATION, and TRANSPIRATION. Each time a molecule of water goes through the cycle it is cleaned, or purified, so it can be used by plants and animals again tomorrow, next year, and hopefully forever.

Well kids, that's all for now! This is one depressing book huh?! I told you to drop in a pyramid! You just should have listened!

Sorry if this one wasn't funny enough. I was sort of just making fun of Daniel Handler. Review it, please.


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